Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Could Save Your Marriage

Ever found yourself thinking, “Why do we keep having the same fight?” or “Why can’t he/she just understand what I need?”—you’re not alone. I see it ALL the time. Couples getting caught in painful cycles of conflict or disconnection without knowing why. But beneath those surface-level arguments often lies something deeper: our attachment history and patterns.

Understanding your attachment style and your partner’s can be a game-changer in your relationship. It’s like being handed a blueprint that helps make sense of how you each seek closeness, handle conflict, and respond to emotional needs. When couples begin to see these patterns through the lens of attachment, real healing and connection becomes possible.

What Is Attachment Style?

Attachment style refers to the way we relate to others in close relationships, shaped early in life through our interactions with caregivers. These patterns tend to show up most strongly in romantic relationships. While there are nuances, most people generally fall into one of these categories:

• Secure Attachment – Comfortable with closeness and independence; trusts that connection is safe and available.

• Anxious Attachment – Craves closeness but often worries about rejection or being too much; may become preoccupied with the relationship.

• Avoidant Attachment – Values independence and often feels overwhelmed by emotional demands; may pull away when things get too vulnerable.

• Disorganized Attachment – A mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies; can stem from early relational trauma and leads to confusing or chaotic behavior in relationships.

These styles aren’t flaws—they’re strategies our nervous system developed to help us maintain closeness and protect against pain. But in a marriage, they can create negative cycles that leave both partners feeling misunderstood and alone.

How Attachment Styles Play Out in Relationships

Imagine this: One partner (with an anxious attachment style) starts to feel distance and reaches out—maybe by expressing frustration or asking more questions. The other partner (with an avoidant style) feels overwhelmed by the emotion and starts to shut down or pull away.

This kicks off what I call a “pursue-withdraw” cycle—one person pushes for connection, the other pulls back. Over time, this dance becomes the couple’s default pattern. Both partners are trying to protect the relationship as best as they know how, but the way they go about it leaves them feeling more disconnected.

As an Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT), I help couples slow down and see this cycle for what it is: not a sign that you’re incompatible, but a sign that something important (an unmet attachment need) requires attention.

Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Matters

When you understand your own attachment style, you start to notice:

• What triggers your emotional responses in conflict

• Why you react the way you do when your partner pulls away or gets defensive

• How your early relationships shaped what you expect in love (from yourself and your partner)

When you understand your partner’s attachment style, something shifts. You start to see their behaviors not as attacks or rejection, but as protective strategies they learned long ago. And with that new lens, compassion grows.

Instead of fighting each other, you can start fighting for each other.

Real Change Is Possible

In my work with couples here in Baton Rouge and virtually throughout Louisiana, I see this shift happen all the time. When couples learn how their attachment styles drive their patterns—and when they learn to respond to each other’s deeper needs—they begin to reconnect in powerful, lasting ways.

No matter how stuck things feel, there is hope.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If this has piqued a curiosity about your attachment style or how it might be impacting your marriage, therapy can help. As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I work with couples all throughout Louisiana to uncover the deeper emotional needs underneath the conflict—and to build secure, resilient connection that offers REAL relief in the day-to-day.

Let’s work together to shift the cycle, repair old wounds, and create the kind of relationship you both long for.

Interested in learning more? Schedule a free consultation or explore EFT-based resources for couples on my website.